Ever regret a consequence of a decision that you don't regret? Ever regret not acting on a certain thought that came to your mind? Ever regret not taking time to care for someone whom you can identify so much with? Ever?

Work has not been allowing me the time and headspace to go blogsurfing for the past 6 months or so. Today I stumbled upon someone's blog. Whom I really admired for her trust in God, her determination to do what she wants to do despite uncertainties of the future that follows it. As I read about her reaching the end of this journey, I could still see it in my mind my first meeting with her. The fresh enthusiasm she had when she approached me to talk about the disability field. I had to admit, I admired her for the passion she has for the disabled. And the ability to sustain with this passion. I still do.

Circumstances and incidents prevented me from giving her the support I knew she would have desperately required. I could only gave her information and some very, very empty advice. I don't regret the choice I made base on the circumstances that is going on for me. But, I do regret the fact that I feel I should have done more. Regret that I was not part of this journey of hers.

"Are you still enjoying yourself?” asked D when I was trying to figure out where the internet cable should go on the wall this morning. Mind you, this is someone that have entered the company about a year after I did, someone much older (probably older than my dad!), someone that I thought would have probably seen through Life, whom will not be surprise even if Lift threw him Lemon or Lime. When he asked me that, he sure seems to enjoy himself lately. Though he just returned from his Europe trip as he told me. So, the million dollar question that is directed to me this morning is “Am I Still Enjoying Myself?”

Not going into what my answer to him was, but what kept me thinking for the next few minutes and now. Before I entered the U. Society, I have always thought that a job should be what it is, a job, not a life. I did not wanted my job to take over my life and be my life. Nah-ah. However, looking at how I have been thinking and feeling about my job lately, hence how I act when I am at work, it seems that it has become my life. Not part of my life, but it has become the part where it dominates how I feel about/ of my other parts of life. I have been feeling a high sense of dissatisfaction, agitation, and not to say extremely impatient. In retrospect, what I have been reflecting on for the few sleepless nights seems to be directing me to one possible pathway. That is, I will be suffering to some levels of anxiety if I allow this to happen.

So when I was asked if I am still enjoying myself, I have answered “No” in my heart. Frankly, I hate this answer and I also hate this feeling. I wondered why would I allow myself to be dominated by a tool (tool as in this job is a tool to my means)? Would it be possible that if I decide to remain happy when Lemon/ Lime happens, I will remain at peace? Is it possible for me to remain at peace even when Lemon/ Lime happens? Could it be that how I feel makes how I think or act, and vice versa? Could it be, would it be, really?

Now while I was having a toilet break, I got fed up and told myself “Christina, you are not to be controlled by your job anymore!”. I have decided to not get affected by others. I have to own my own feelings, own my own thoughts and own my own actions. I own myself. Not others. God will help me.

I do not like being a ministry. absolutely.detest.it. No offence to anyone that is ministering to anyone. In fact, what I actually meant here is the face value ministry. Those that when the "minister" will only act in certain way or talk in certain way to the "ministr-ie" in certain places/ situations/ circumstance. It turns me off.

Starting in Australia as a student was not easy for many such as me. I remember those days where I had such a tight budge that amazes the very few people who knew on how I survived. Someone even once told me that I was being unrealistic, that no one can live on that amount of money and still be able to....well.... live. I didn't bother explaining, to him it is impossible, to me that was it. IT. If I don't survive, I will not survive. I am a survivor. I have survived in the couple of tough circumstances in my limited past two and a half decades. I thrive on surviving these people/ situations to the point that I am proud that I survived them. Anyhow, being such as frugal person that I was (maybe still is, considering how I could not bring myself to buy a 40 bucks work dress just now despite desperately needing to change my overall appearance seeing that I have been acting on some senior role now) and also being such a proud person that I am, me being ministered in such a way I explained above, just does not go well with me. In fact, I will feel being underestimated or to some extent, insulted.

It may not be such a good trait, I admit. However, I do not think that someone talking nice to me and yet, totally unable to just be a friend to me only, is nice. Not to this girl. Many would agree with me that one of the reason why many stop going to church/ organisations/ groups/ (insert any type of gatherings) is because the same people that appear to be so interested in them that one time that they went, act as if they were strangers when they meet again down the road at the shops or even coffee house. That is what I call pretense. If I ask help from someone, he/she would be my friend. I don't go around asking help from people that are just associates to me.

Therefore, I avoid these type of "ministering". I don't want to act as if we are good friends, if we are not. I will not seek help from you, if I am just a ministry. Friendships are not base on ministry, not in my world. As a result of this, I often avoid making the frist step to be recognised or befriended with "those that are standing in front speaking through the microphone". To an extent, I probably will talk to anyone that is just sitting there listening, and get to know them, but not those standing in front. I am just proud like that.