Thursday, 09 April 2009
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my dark side
I have always known, that if I was the agile and skilful in martial arts person that I wanted to be, I would be a problem. Trust me when I say deep down I am a very aggressive and at times violent person.
Staying in this still very foreign country, with idiots that can be racist and short sighted with their so called “supremacy”, can prove to be a very good training ground of tolerance. Again, I really do not remember praying for tolerance.
Countless times now, I had to walk away to avoid me lashing out at people. Verbally and physically, if I was capable of. Many a times, I had to stop myself, stop the violent scenes that play in my head, mainly showing how I could express my anger to these people, in physical ways.
But I never. Never did any of those things that I did in my mind. Just because I know, it’s pointless to the standing issues. And of course, I don’t step into a battle that I know for sure I would not win. I am, no matter how much I wish I was, not the martial art master.
I think I have somehow become a very angry person. Not the happy everyday girl that I used to be anymore. Now, I get irritated with little things. I could slam the doors when no one else is at home. I probably would smash some plates or glasses, if I didn’t have to replace them.
I believe everyone has a dark side of them. And I am very much aware of my own dark side. This would be the only reason I have not become a cynical being, jaded maybe, but probably not cynical yet.
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