Thursday, 07 May 2009

• I am who I Think/ Feel/ Act You Are

  "Are you still enjoying yourself?” asked D when I was trying to figure out where the internet cable should go on the wall this morning. Mind you, this is someone that have entered the company about a year after I did, someone much older (probably older than my dad!), someone that I thought would have probably seen through Life, whom will not be surprise even if Lift threw him Lemon or Lime. When he asked me that, he sure seems to enjoy himself lately. Though he just returned from his Europe trip as he told me. So, the million dollar question that is directed to me this morning is “Am I Still Enjoying Myself?”

  Not going into what my answer to him was, but what kept me thinking for the next few minutes and now. Before I entered the U. Society, I have always thought that a job should be what it is, a job, not a life. I did not wanted my job to take over my life and be my life. Nah-ah. However, looking at how I have been thinking and feeling about my job lately, hence how I act when I am at work, it seems that it has become my life. Not part of my life, but it has become the part where it dominates how I feel about/ of my other parts of life. I have been feeling a high sense of dissatisfaction, agitation, and not to say extremely impatient. In retrospect, what I have been reflecting on for the few sleepless nights seems to be directing me to one possible pathway. That is, I will be suffering to some levels of anxiety if I allow this to happen.

  So when I was asked if I am still enjoying myself, I have answered “No” in my heart. Frankly, I hate this answer and I also hate this feeling. I wondered why would I allow myself to be dominated by a tool (tool as in this job is a tool to my means)? Would it be possible that if I decide to remain happy when Lemon/ Lime happens, I will remain at peace? Is it possible for me to remain at peace even when Lemon/ Lime happens? Could it be that how I feel makes how I think or act, and vice versa? Could it be, would it be, really?

  Now while I was having a toilet break, I got fed up and told myself “Christina, you are not to be controlled by your job anymore!”. I have decided to not get affected by others. I have to own my own feelings, own my own thoughts and own my own actions. I own myself. Not others. God will help me.

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