Ok....just because the blog title is Beyonce's song name does not mean I listen to her...I don't listen to anyone in particular generally...

So, exactly 1 month to go and Goodbye Singledom....I thought I will "try" to blog on what comes to my mind in these 30 days.

Yesterday, we went to the movies to watch "the box" starring Cameron Diaz. Courtesy of Keng's "free movie tickets" that he needs to pay to win. Didn't ask him what he meant, but anyway. The movie is about a family, receiving a special box as a gift to them from a total stranger. If they choose, to press on the button on the box, they will receive instant 1 million dollars, tax free. And, someone else that are a total stranger to them, will die. The whole movie was not about the dilemma of pushing or not, and quite early in the movie, they showed Diaz pressing on the button, and of course receiving the money. Not going to tell the whole story here.

The theme that I got (but my friends do not seem to get) from the movie is all about altruism. The interpretation of altruism in this movie, is how human can or cannot sacrifice themselve, to avoid inflict harm on another. In other words, can we choose to do the right thing when the harm or the negative impact is not visible to us. The catch in this movie, and was only told to Diaz after she pressed the button is, the box will be taken back and re-program again before presenting to another couple that is totally stranger to them. Did you catch the drift? Totally stranger to them. That means, they could be the next one dying!

There are always the consequences that follows each of our choices we made. Can we withhold an action? Can we make the right choice? Are we able to resist evil? All in all, I enjoyed the movie. It's not your typical action movie or some big production sci-fi like Star Wars. That's probably why I like it. Minus the "commercial effect" some big cast big production has, this movie seems more meaningful and thought provoking.

T'was just the other day when I noticed I have not felt the heart wrenching pain as often as I did before. Today, I think it got back to me. There are certain times in the month where I find myself missing Mum and Dad more than the other times. Hormonal. The other times, is probably when things aren't going that well, when I needed the comfort the presence from my family. In many ways, I feel like young child. Always wanting to go out and explore the slides and the swings on the playground, but also needing to know that my parents are just there at the corner watching me, safeguarding me. In reality, I find that they have grown older. I felt that I should be the one that needs to be their safety net, safeguarding them from any accidents. This is probably one of the reasons I didn't go home.  Ironic but true. I am always proud for who I am and where I came from, but never am I proud for what happened there. "Who knows what will happen? I have to secure some alternatives for everyone if the unfortunate happens". And therefore, I have endureth many years of home sickness.

It wasn't that bad after Tim came into my life. He has always been there whenever I was no longer able to keep it in silently. I thank God that Tim is here, taking over the role of my earthly protector when I stand alone in this still very foreign land. I no longer have to watch my back in every step that I take. No longer having to bear my sadness alone when friends were just there for the happy times.

However, I still miss seeing my family at the end of the day. 2001 was the year I left home, the same year where I have not been able to share the daily musings or watch mum marks her excercise books, laugh together when she comes across some silly stories from her students; have not been able to watch dad play his table tennis or read his books; no longer able to make silly and goofy comments with just about anything with Alvin. I miss them so much.

Ever regret a consequence of a decision that you don't regret? Ever regret not acting on a certain thought that came to your mind? Ever regret not taking time to care for someone whom you can identify so much with? Ever?

Work has not been allowing me the time and headspace to go blogsurfing for the past 6 months or so. Today I stumbled upon someone's blog. Whom I really admired for her trust in God, her determination to do what she wants to do despite uncertainties of the future that follows it. As I read about her reaching the end of this journey, I could still see it in my mind my first meeting with her. The fresh enthusiasm she had when she approached me to talk about the disability field. I had to admit, I admired her for the passion she has for the disabled. And the ability to sustain with this passion. I still do.

Circumstances and incidents prevented me from giving her the support I knew she would have desperately required. I could only gave her information and some very, very empty advice. I don't regret the choice I made base on the circumstances that is going on for me. But, I do regret the fact that I feel I should have done more. Regret that I was not part of this journey of hers.